Please Forgive Me, Lord

I'm sitting in my office now listening to songs I have selected as my "Favorites" on YouTube. One song in particular is now playing. It is, "Change" by Tramaine Hawkins.

I am taking personal inventory of my life and relationships. A lot of things have happened to me in recent months. There were months when I was not working and had almost no income. Of course, this economy has hit just about everyone lately in one way or the other. In observing others who have or are going through adversity now, one thing I have noticed is that people are just open and honest with what is happening. No longer are people ashamed of what is happening to them because it's happening to a lot of people of all economic levels. So, to admit openly that one has lost a job, home, car, can't pay bills, etc., is not something that everyone is keeping to themselves. This does not mean that everyone is going around hollering out the issues they are having. It just means that people are no longer ashamed to admit, even to themselves, that they, too, have been hit.

This is something that I'm learning. It has been rough and there have been days when I might have preferred to just give up on everything and everyone but something always held me back from doing that. It was the Holy Spirit, Who always let me know He was with me. In my mind and in my thoughts, I have had to admit some things that I had never admitted before. I had to admit that there are some mistakes that I made that put me in this position. There are some things that occurred over which I had no control that also contributed to this situation. Admittance is not easy, especially to oneself. This, I would imagine, is something like n addict might go through (admitting there is a problem). This learning to admit some things to myself is actually helping me to grow. It is helping me to see some areas that need serious changing in my life. I'm grateful for them because I really do not want to ever be in this position again and will do what I can to be sure of that, with the Holy Spirit's help.

But, the biggest thing I'm getting out of all this is that God's Holy Spirit really is still with me throughout all this. He is still with me, even when I don't feel He is there. I had to examine that also and discovered that when I do not feel Him, it's because of something else that is attributed to me - I have not kept up my relationship end. I have not been as faithful to my quiet time, my reading of the Word, my prayer time. So, as I look at the entire situation, I see that I have been the biggest problem. Then, I ask God to clean up what I have messed up.

The Lord has always told me that He is always here for me. He has told me over and over that He can always be reached. He has assured me that He knows what He is doing and everything I'm going through is for my own good. I have not always believed that (another problem I have). Lord, will I ever get this right?

I pray for forgiveness of my sins, my wrongdoings, my mistakes, my lack of seriousness on the part of my relationship with the Lord and any other mistakes I have committed knowingly or unknowingly. This is a real eye-opener for me. I have learned not to put too much care, worship, hold, whatever you want to call it, on material things. They are here today and gone tomorrow, sometimes. I have gone through the thinking of how I have to "do what I have to do" to take care of myself. I have not always left that to the Lord. That's due to my poor relationship development, not the Lord's fault.

I'm also learning that not all friends are real friends. Real friends are hard to come by. There were days when I thought, "If I could just talk to someone about what I'm going through...". The Lord would also tell me He is here to listen to me but I often ignored Him. Then, when I would make a call to a human (I felt I needed to hear a human voice), the Lord would ALWAYS show me why He told me not to call any human but to just call on Him. This is not to diminish the good deeds done by anyone who did anything good for me. I love and appreciate them for what they did and they know who they are. Thank you so much. I even have learned to be appreciative when "No" was the answer. We don't always get our way in all things.

Thank You, Lord, for this valley experience. Thank You, Lord, for days when everything did not go my way. Thank You, Lord, for those days when I wanted to give up but You changed my mind. Thank You, Lord, for the good things that would happen on some of the "bad days". Thank You, Lord, for ways you made when it seemed too dark. Thank You, Lord, for the joy I have down deep in my heart that You would draw out of me and cause me to begin praising You in the midst of these storms. Thank You, Lord, for all the blessings (of all sizes) that You have given me. Thank You, Lord, for even allowing me to have those crying days. Thank You for drying up all my tears. Thank You for restoring my faith. Thank You for changing my heart and mind. Thank You for opening my spiritual eyes and heart. Thank You for allowing me to remain here. All of my good days do FAR OUTWEIGH my bad days. Only You could see me through this and still love me unconditionally. Only You would not pass judgment on me. Only You would not turn Your back on me. I love and praise You, Lord. To You be all glory and honor.

I know there is a tremendous testimony coming out of this. Whether it is a testimony that is heard by anyone else, it's heard by me and I will gladly repeat it to me over and over again. "Let not your heart be troubled, you believe in God, believe also in Me...."